(This post is kind of a re-post. Yes, I’ve done this before. But this post has been edited and updated from my old blog, which this was originally posted on a year and a half ago.)
Let’s cut right to the chase, shall we? I invited my ex boyfriend up for the weekend. When I say ex, I mean waaaaaay ex. Like he was the first boy I ever loved. In high school. 10 years ago. He’s 32 now. I haven’t seen him since he was 23 and I was ohh…19?!? Needless to say I’ve changed a bit, and I’m sure he has as well. Well, actually we saw each other briefly at a bar in my home town about 5 years ago. We chatted for a minute, but that was about the extent of it.
He’s not sure if he can come yet. I am very curious. I want to see him and I don’t want to all at the same time. I guess I want to see him, I just don’t want him to see me. I look a lot different than I did at 19, and not for the better!
Part of it is that I am nervous too. We text occasionally (a lot recently), and talk on the phone sporadically. He makes me nervous. Not in a bad, I think he’s going to harm me way. More of a butterflies in my stomach way. I think of him often. I wonder what it would be like to see him again. Would we still have chemistry? Would I still be attracted to him? Would I still think he is as great as I did back then? Or even better?!? Or would I totally regret inviting him up?
He’s already told me that he’s never been in love with anyone the way that he was in love with me. I can’t say the same, and he knows that. He definitely was the first person I ever truly was in love with. We were both young, but it was love. We broke up when I went away for college and he was immature and couldn’t keep a long distance relationship alive.
I’m not sure why I can’t stop thinking about him. I wonder if other women have these thoughts about their first love. If so, do they ignore them? Chalk it up to being silly, and push through them? Is it normal to want to see your first love, knowing your both single and knowing what could happen? And beyond normal, is it smart?
I mean, lets say he does come up this weekend, and there is chemistry, what then? He lives 220 miles away. He runs his dads construction company. I live in Portland and cannot move. What would be the point?
Yes, I realize this invitation is probably a result of my going through my wanting to be in a relationship phase. I know that. I’m not going to jump into anything, I promise! I’m just so curious. I can’t help but wonder What If. Maybe I had it right at 18? I know the circumstances were not right then, he had a lot of growing up to do. Apparently the world had a bigger plan for me, because now I have my amazing son. I just need to know if there is a reason why I always find myself wondering what he is up to when I don’t know. Is there a reason that ten years later we are both single? I guess we’ll see…
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