Accepting Myself October 29, 2009

Do you ever have one of those days where your in awe of life? In a good way, I mean. I love them, and today is one of those days.

It is a very cloudy, very raining day here in Portland. But for some reason my spirits are soaring. Nothing extraordinarily great has happened, and there have been no fantastic surprises. I’m just incredibly happy on a type of day that could normally make me a little blah. My mood often reflects the weather (or vice versa) but today my sunny disposition is nowhere to be found by looking out the window.

There is a laundry list of things that are good in my life. I won’t gush over them, but am just appreciating how life makes an unexpected turn and a change you didn’t know you wanted becomes a change that you desperately needed. I’ve been very reflective lately, and have started accepting truths that I was afraid to accept previously.

It turns out that while accepting others and their differences is a good practice, learning to accept yourself and your world as-is is completely remarkable. My life is far from perfect, but it is pretty damn good. And I am okay with pretty damn good.

Random Friday Thoughts October 9, 2009

What’s this? Blogging three times in one week? Pure madness!

* One of my good friends is in labor right now! As we speak! Her and her husband are the kind of strong people who didn’t find out the sex of the baby. I had to know asap just because I couldn’t wait to shop! I am so happy for them, they are going to make wonderful parents!

* Last night I met Mr. Wonderful’s brother, who is in town for a few days. I had briefly met his sister at my house warming party, but didn’t get a chance to talk to her much then. We all met for dinner last night and had a blast. What funny people! (Funny haha, not funny as in odd!)

* Dating the real way is hard as a single parent. My last two relationships I’ve had moved very quickly, and C was brought into them way too early on. I’m trying to do things “the right way” this time, if there is such a thing. As far as C knows, Mr. Wonderful is just a friend. C has only met him a few times.

I get C back tonight for a week! While I am beyond excited to get my munchkin back, it was kind of bittersweet to have to say good bye to Mr. Wonderful knowing I won’t see him for a week. Of course my son is my priority, who no one out ranks, dating the real way is hard! Trying to balance my two worlds is difficult. I see why I gave in quickly before and let them become one. Can’t do that this time. Won’t do that this time. C is too old for that. So…I juggle. I do this the grown up way. I deal with the hard facts of life. I cannot always have what I want because its not the best for everyone involved. I think I’m finally becoming an adult!

* I’m not sure when it happened exactly, but sometime between spring and now I became completely allergic to the cold. Anytime the temperature drops below 70 (which is most of the time these days) I shiver. I pile on socks, sweat shirts, long pants, fleece jackets, scarves and blankets, and still I shiver. It is so uncomfortable that if I was child-free I would honestly up and move to a beautiful and tropical island.

I had no problem with the gazillion inches of snow we got last winter. I grew up on the coast where the wind was cold, and blew the cold rain on me. It wasn’t a problem. Anytime the thermostat hits 69 or lower now, I’m miserable. It looks like my aversion to coats will be coming to an end. Time to stock up! Maybe I’ll get a Snuggie to wear at work!

Enjoy your weekend, loves! I’ll be holed up in my house under 200 pounds of blanket!

Perfection: It’s Not Just A Game At Grandma’s House October 8, 2009

Did you guys play that game as a kid?!? I think they still make it. It was awesome. I would play that game for hours at my grandma’s house, trying to beat my last best time. That should have been a BIG! RED! FLAG! that I was in fact, wait for it… a perfectionist.

Unfortunately it has taken almsot 30 years (that is still not easy to see) to realize this little problem of mine. It took talking to a good friend (that I’ve known since 6th grade) about my son’s issues with perfectionism to realize that I may be the bad influence. I was discussing with my friend how angry and upset C gets when he messes up, and how its so hard for me to see and try to help him through. She replied, “At least we know where he gets it from!” I stared her down, slack-jawed for almost 60 seconds. “Are you kidding me, Brooke?!? Think about it! You have always been a perfectionist.”

And I stopped, and I thought about my life in one of those quick rewind moments they have in movies. And she was right. I am a perfectionist.

I always thought of myself as your classic “over-achiever” as a child and teenager. I’m sure this can be directly related to some sort of psychobabble about my parents, and I’m okay with that.

But perfectionist? I’m not perfect. Obviously! But I realized that day that there is nothing I hate more than screwing up. Actuallly there is…admitting that I have screwed up. I have no problem being wrong, but making a mistake makes me feel awful! People discovering I have made a mistake without me telling them is even worse. I could literally die.

I have NEVER preached perfection to my son. In absolutley no sense of the word do I expect, or want, him to be perfect. What fun would that be?!? But apparently actions speak louder than words.

In an attempt to start changing my behavior and mindset, I give you this post. I am Brooke, and I have screwed up my son!

Make Believe October 6, 2009

Once upon a time (two and a half months ago) , in a land far, far away (way west of Portland) I left my quaint farm one day and changed my life completely.

I had just gotten my job offer the day before I discovered something that made me leave my quaint farm, the farmer and everything else I had surrounded myself with for most of the previous year. It took me a few days to grow the balls to leave, but I did, and I haven’t looked back.

It wasn’t the one thing I discovered that led me to leave. That was just the last straw.

Now I’m back to a life I know and love. The scenery is different, but more conducive to who I really am. The farm life was not for me. I made the best of it while I was there, but now I’m in the city, where I belong. I’m gradually reconnecting with friends whom I had lost touch with, reconnecting with myself and my passions, and reconnecting with life. On the farm I was pretty out of touch with everything and everyone. I’m not blaming anyone other than myself. I take responsibility for my choices and my actions. I learned a lot and am a better person for it.

Life is pretty great these days. I love my job. Its challenging and some times pretty intense, but incredibly rewarding. Against all of my intentions to be the Single Girl in the City, I met a great man. A kind, self-less man who is quite unlike anyone I’ve ever met. We are taking things slow, which is new to me. I’ve always been a jump-in-head-first kind of girl when it comes to men. I’m learning that slow is good, getting to know one another before declaring your love is better, and self-respect is something that I have highly under-valued in the past.

So the transition from Farm Girl to Single Girl in the City hasn’t exactly gone as planned. But truth be told, I think my inner party girl has seen her better days. Spending quality time with my son and people who really mean something to me is far more appealing than paying too much for a drink I don’t need in a bar that I really don’t want to be at surrounded by people I don’t know. I enjoy my house, my son, my good friends and getting to know Mr. Wonderful more and more.

I don’t need to pretend I’m 21 still. I don’t need to pretend that it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to be around people who really don’t know me or like me. I know who I am, and I’m growing quite fond of myself. I’m almost 30, as scary as that is to see typed out. 20’s…you were fun. But now I’m done playing make believe and can start living my real life.