Our New Friend….The Cable Guy January 30, 2009

Since Sushi Boy has been unemployed for a few months, he cancelled his cable and Internet to save money. Smart man. Well, since I am now pretty much living here, and now am unemployed we decided that we need to get Internet back in the house ASAP. It really is the most efficient way for us to look for jobs, and feel like we have a connection to the outside world. We’re in that stage of our relationship where we still live and breathe one another, and the world revolves around our family and home. This leaves us somewhat lacking in the knowledge of the outside world though.

So, last week I called up the kind folks at a Large Corporate Company that services this area and told them we needed Internet and whatever cable package that allowed Sushi Boy to watch the Speed Channel. (He’s a racing junkie, but I don’t hold that against him.) So we made an appointment for this last Tuesday from 10-noon. It was my birthday, but no biggie. We weren’t planning anything too big anyway as this cable/Internetthing is really our big splurge (as sad as that sounds) on unemployment. So Tuesday morning comes, and our unemployment payments have not been deposited yet. (Oh just wait, I have many many more bitches about the joys of unemployment!) So I call Large Corporate Company and reschedule the appointment to the next available time, which is Thursday from noon-2. Okay, I can wait until Thursday. Sushi Boy and I take off to go get some Birthday Starbucks, and come home to find a service order in the mailbox from the install techinician. Duh we weren’t home, we had rescheduled! So I call the number he left me, and left him a voicemail explaining the situation. About an hour later I get a call from the company disbatch saying we were scheduled for today, but we missed our appointment. I corrected him, and told him what had happened and that I had rescheduled for Thursday between 12 and 2. He appologized and told me that he didn’t see that on his schedule, but he would make sure the change was made. 

So Thursday (yesterday) comes and Sushi Boy and I pop out of bed to prepare for the Cable Guy. I attack the office making sure Cable Guy can find his way to the computer and have room to work, and Sushi Boy takes care of hiding all of the porn in the bedroom. (Haha, just kidding…maybe.)

We’re still diligently working away when noon hits. I finally finish up the office and help Sushi Boy clean his room. Keep in mind Sushi Boy had been living the Bachelor Life until we met and his room reflected that. His bedroom is now my favorite room in the house. He has GORGEOUS wood floors. Seriously beautiful. We have lovely, soft silken sheets and a dual control electric blanket the bed is sooo cozy and inviting. Anyhow…I digress.

So noon comes and goes. As does 1 pm and 1:30 pm. At about 1:45 Sushi Boy looks at me and says, “I don’t think he’s coming, babe.” I, ever the optimist, reply, “Oh no, he’ll be here. It’s not 2 yet.” Hahaha. Being an optimist is sometimes a let down.

At 2:15 I call the 1.800 number, explain the situation and the dumbass that I’m talking to tells me that I missed my appointment on Tuesday and nothing has been rescheduled. All matter of fact like, like I am just making shit up because no one at their company could have made a mistake. I’m furious. I tell her I had actually rescheduled it TWICE for the same time with TWO DIFFERENT people, and have spent my whole day at home waiting on the freaking Cable Guy. She puts me on hold for about 12 hours, and comes back with the news that dispatch can’t send someone out until the beginning of next week. Bull shit. That will not fly with me. I am a pretty impatient person. When I set my mind on something I WANT IT NOW! I tell her that simply will not do, and I will call a competitor if I have to. So, I get put on hold for another 12 hours, and she comes back and tells me that dispatch told her they can have someone out the next morning. I told her to put us down for that, but I will be calling dispatch myself.

So I called the gentleman who called me on Tuesday to inform me that we had missed our appointment. I never got put through to him, but some gem of a woman named Kylie found a technician who was in the area who had a 4-6 scheduled and would be willing to come over after that, if that was okay with us. I was most certainly okay with that. I would have totally tongue kissed Kylie through the phone if that was an option.

Sushi Boy and I did some more cleaning around the house. I organized baby clothes (Sushi Boy’s baby girls is due in 4 weeks! We are sooo excited!), made a weekly menu (Sushi Boy and I are on a health kick) and then Sushi Boy challenged me to a game of Life. We have been on a Life kick lately and I have been thoroughly whooping his ass. Apparently he used to be the raining King of Life in his family, and is not okay with his girlfriend being the Life Champion, so we play a lot so he can attempt to take back the crown.I usually dominate, but last night he not only beat me, he set a new high score for money accumulated at the end of the game. Around 6:15 pm, and part way through The Game of Life I tell Sushi Boy, “I bet you$5,000 Life Dollars that Cable Guy isn’t here before this game is over.” My optimism was gone. By 6:45 Cable Guy was not here, I had lost my ass in The Game of Life. I was NOT a happy girl.

“You call,” I told Sushi Boy. “You’re better at being mean!” So Sushi Boy called Large Corporate Company and they said the tech would be here by 7:10 pm. At this point I had lost all hope. I really thought they were just telling us this and someone would show up the next morning.

Low and behold, at 7:22 pm, there is a knock on the door and it is a Cable Guy! I’m shocked. I start anxiously showing him where the cable should be installed and the Internet. Sushi Boy takes over and starts talking to him about the wiring, and I sneak off to the kitchen to rejoice in the thought of updating my blog and stalking all of my favorite bloggers once again.

Cable Guy retreats outside to climb poles in the dark, or something like that I thought. As I’m putting the finishing touches on dinner, Sushi Boy tells me, ”Did you catch the alcohol on Cable Guy’s breath? I think he stopped and had a few beers before he got here.” I just laughed, there wasn’t anything that could get me down at this point! I didn’t care if he was tripping on acid, as long as he got us hooked up before he left.

So after about 30 minutes of being outside, Cable Guy comes back in and does his business. After another 30 minutes of so he comes out and says he is done, and asks for the payment that is required. I hand him my credit card and he looks at his watch and makes a funny face. I ask if there is a problem, and he says no, but he doesn’t think the office is still open. He comes into the office and I hear him on the phone with someone, asking if he can still take a credit card payment. The guys says no, the office is closed but he can take a check or just bill us, or wait on hold with the 1.800 number for 20+ minutes.

So I hear the genius call the 1.800 number and start to hold. Then he comes out to the living room and sits down on the floor and starts watching TV with us while he has his phone on speakerphone on hold. Which makes it nearly impossible to hear the TV. So I turn the TV up *hint*hint* and he continues to sit there on the floor, crosslegged watching American Idol with Sushi Boy and I. At this point I get irritated. I want him to just leave, and let me watch TV with Sushi Boy. After about 10 minutes, he turns and asks me if I have a check. I say no, I don’t have one on me. He explained that he can just have them charge us, and I said yes! That’s fine!  No need for you to waste your night here. He looks at the Rock Band instruments in the corner and says, “Or we can just play Rock Band while I’m on hold?”

WHAT THE FUCK!!! Really? This half drunk, and now it looks like he’s also half stoned Cable Guy is inviting himself to hang out with us and play Rock Band?!? By this point it’s past 8:30 pm. Sushi Boy and I are incredibly lame and normally are in bed by 8:30 at night. And this random Cable Guy wants to hang out with us and play video games. Oh no, I think not.

I look at him, and laugh and say, “No, there is no need for you to waste your night hanging out here. I’ll just call them tomorrow and take care of it, or you can have them bill us.” I was trying not to be a bitch about it, and kind of laughed as I said it, because I am so non-confrontational. So Cable Guy stands up and realizes that he has stuff for us to sign. I sign the papers and assume he’s going to be heading out the door now. Nope! First he’s going to hang around and watch this person audition on American Idol. Seriously!

Finally, he left. And then Sushi and I crawled into bed and fell in love with cable.

Zack and Miri Make a ….Kids Movie??? November 6, 2008

Last night was one of two nights that both Sushi Boy and I would be kid-free this week. We decided to go out on an actual dinner and movie type date. We had a few beers first, then we went to sushi (weird, right? lol) and then to see the movie Zack and Miri Make a Porno. For anyone who doesn’t know, it’s the new Kevin Smith movie starring Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks. It’s about two roommates who are hard up for cash, and decide the best way to make some money is to make a porno.

Sushi Boy and I enter the theater, and I’m watching the previews. He leans over and whispers to me, “Did those people just walk in with their kids?!?” I hadn’t been paying attention, and told him he must be mistaken. No one would bring their kids to this movie!

Well, apparently they would. About thirty minutes into the movie, and about five minutes into the first explicit sex scene Sushi Boy whispers, “There go the kids!” I am not shitting you! A man and woman had brought two kids with them, around our sons ages (8 and 9) to a movie about making a pornographic movie. And it wasn’t until after the first graphic sex scene that they left. What the hell?

Major clues this movie isn’t for kids:

• Seth Rogan is in it. I haven’t seen a single Seth Rogan movie where he doesn’t use the word “fuck” in every sentence.
• The movie is rated R. Movies have ratings for a reason. If it’s rated R, it means it is NOT appropriate for elementary school aged kids.
• The name of the movie is Zack and Miri Make a PORNO. Porno, porno, porno. Is this not a major clue that this film is not going to be appropriate for kids?!?! It’s not Zack and Miri Make a Lemonade Stand, or Zack and Miri Go on a Picnic. It’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno. What about that name would make you think it is something your kids should be watching?

Freaking idiots.

Anyhow, the movie was really good! Go see it! Just get a babysitter first, please.

So over Halloween! October 29, 2008

As much as I want to go on and on and on about how wonderful my new man friend is, I won’t bore you with the repetition of my giddiness. He is SO amazing though. I feel so lucky.

Anyhow… is anyone else sick of Halloween yet? I know some people really love it, but I don’t see the appeal. I’m usually good for one Halloween party, and then Trick or Treating. This year the annual Halloween party that I go to was a week earlier than it normally is. No big deal, good times were had! Then some other acquaintances decided to throw a family oriented Halloween party last weekend. (Which wasn’t so family oriented after all…hm.) C doesn’t have school on Halloween, so their Harvest Party aka Halloween Party is Thursday. So Thursday he will dress up for school, and then again Friday for Trick or Treating with his dad.

This will be my first Halloween Night without the little man in many years. Normally we go over to Leann’s and Trick or Treat around her neighborhood. Since I am without C this year, I am going to go to another adult Halloween party, this one with my new man friend. I am really looking forward to the party and meeting his friends. But I’m over Halloween! I’m ready for Christmas! Can we get that started now?!?

Bad Things Happen in 3’s, Right? September 22, 2008

Right? Please tell me I’m right.

Okay…So I’ve been dealing with my family drama, my irritatingly stressful 2 weeks not getting along with Matt, and my dad’s dog dying. There is 3. Let’s call that good and done for a while, shall we? Thanks!

I had the screeching halt on the freeway 3 weeks ago that blew my tire, and the almost head on collision on my way back from my sisters house. That’s two. Thankfully, the third time was not a charm (a charm being an event that lands me in the morgue) but it was god damn close!

Yesterday I was headed to a girlfriends house on the other side of town. I was taking a very curved exit from one highway to another, when I saw a car facing me on the shoulder of the road. I quickly realized they had wrecked, and signaled to scooch over to the right lane. As soon as I moved my steering wheel a teeny tiny bit I was spinning out. On an exit. With only two lanes. Thank Gawd my dad taught me how to drive well, and I remembered to steer into the way you are turning, and gently brake. I stopped ever so gently right against the guard rail. Barely even touched it! My car was even still running! No damage done!!!

After I compose myself enough to realize I am still alive, and I should probably get the fuck out of the way of any oncoming traffic, I was able to turn around. I slowed a bit, which was probably stupid, to ask the woman and her daughter who had wrecked if they were okay. They were.

Although I was taking the corner at exactly the speed I should have been, it had been raining. The first substantial rain in a while, which made the road really slippery and oily. I was shaking for at least 3 hours after that. Oh my goodness, it was so so scary! I’m so happy C wasn’t with me.

Be careful out there friends! It is now Fall, and the rains are upon us. Please, please, please drive safely. I am normally such a safe, cautious driver. One moment of forgetting that the road would be extra slippery left me in what could have been a very tragic situation. Don’t be an asshole. Mind the road, and the weather.

Who are these sick perverts?!? September 16, 2008

On the part of my blog that only I can see, it tells me what people have searched for to end up on my blog. One of the search queries that shows up almost every day is something along the lines of, “Mom strips for son” or “Mom and son strip show.” Ewww… ew, ew, ew, a thousand times, ew!

I understand how they landed here…because of my post titled, “Mom, what’s a strip club?” They are definitely not finding what they were looking for on this website.

I am a very open minded individual. Most sexually kinky things, I can understand. Not necessarily that I agree with them, and enjoy them, but can understand. To each their own.  Anything involving 1) a child, or 2) members of the same family, is at the top of my sick and twisted list.

If anyone who searched for “mom and son strip together” is reading this, please, do society a favor and RUN to your nearest mental health clinic. You have serious freaking issues!

I hope “3rd Times a Charm” doesn’t apply to this… September 8, 2008

Last Wednesday I was driving to pick up C from school when some motherf&*!*ing asshole went from 55 mph to full on stopped. I was the car directly behind him, and had to slam on my breaks which caused my car to shimmy and swerve, and emit tons of embarrassing smoke. Thank goodness I didn’t rear end the jerk. I got about a mile down the road when I heard, “flup, flup, flup” from the right side of my car. Yay…a flat tire.

I pulled over into a defunct mini-mart where miraculously there where two men repainting the store interior. They must have heard me yelling obscenities, because before I knew it they were right there asking, “flat tire?” They were absolute angels and put my spare on for me in less than ten minutes. I am so incredibly grateful to these strangers. Being a female does totally have some advantages!

Two new front tires, and two days later I was headed south to my sisters. It was a very long, very exhausting (yet totally fun) weekend. I decided that it was in C and my best interest to stay at Brandi’s last night and get some quality sleep before hitting the road.

At 4 am this morning I was on a totally desolate highway headed back to the city. I was thankfully quite bright-eyed for the early hour,  and on top of my driving game. I was in the middle of nowhere, going around a sharp corner, that happened to also be a bridge over a river. I was halfway into the corner when a car coming the opposite direction came into view, in more than HALF of my lane. I had just enough time to jerk my car to the right, narrowly avoiding both being in a head on collision AND driving through the barrier into the river below.

It took me a good hour to calm my heart rate. Is there something in the air causing people to drive like idiots? Stupid drivers piss me off on a daily basis. But this is ridiculous! Please keep your fingers crossed dear readers that I won’t be around idiots like that again for a while. I don’t think my fragile heart can take anymore!

A reality show for kids? August 6, 2008

Recently my 8 year old son has fallen in love with Total Drama Island on Cartoon Network. It is an animated reality show aimed at 8-12 year olds. The first time he watched it, I sat down and watched it with him. Wikipedia told me that it is the first cartoon outside of Adult Swim to have a PG rating. Hmm. Matt and I are relatively liberal with what we let Christian watch. Obviously we have our limits (no sex scenes, no over the top violence, horror or blood and guts.) So the PG rating didn’t really bother me.

Once I figured out the basis for Total Drama Island (22 teenagers on an island, the game is played kind of like Survivor, the last one on the island wins $100,000) I was totally perplexed. Why the hell do kids need reality show? As a society are we really so tapped out on creativity that we can’t even come up with some outlandish plot for a cartoon??? Let’s face it, kids will watch pretty much anything if it’s animated!

I’ve thought a lot about it, and I’m still not sure if it makes sense to me or not. On one hand, I get it. The rest of the “grown up world” is all consumed with reality television, why wouldn’t kids be? It is kind of genius of the creators because kids are going to keep tuning back in to see who wins. 

But on the other hand, it still kind of pisses me off that we’re starting our kids so young on reality television. As an adult I would love to be able to go back to the days of watching tiny blue creatures in white hats and gloves that solved whatever one problem they had in less than 30 minutes. To think that all problems can be wrapped up in a nice, neat little package and conquered so effortlessly. I also wonder if this is making our youth even more competitive than they already are.

Have you seen the show? What are your thoughts on it?

Wake Robin May 14, 2008

So…my best friend Abby’s husband is in a band. A band that is totally freaking amazing! I saw them again live this last Saturday night at the Bitter End Pub on Burnside. I really cannot explain how good they are. You’ll need to hear for yourself. Here is a link to a few of their songs on their MySpace page:

http://www.myspace.com/wakerobinmusic  

Go take a listen. They make me happy, and I think they will make you happy too!

Thud! May 9, 2008

That’s the sound of me falling off of my high horse! Which happened this morning.

Have you ever had one of those mornings where everything just pulled together oh-so-nicely? I had one of those this morning. I was up super early to do some cleaning. I had extra time to get ready this morning. I had a fabulous outfit picked out, with this super cute white skirt that I had forgotten I even owned (funny what you find when you do do laundry!). So I’m rocking the white skirt, which has this great fan-out in the back, a gorgeous turquoise tunic, my killer snakeskin stiletto’s and great accessories. I had plenty of time to whip my hair up into a sassy pony, and spend a little extra time on my makeup. I even had time to put on self-tanner. I was feeling on top of the world.

Christian and I stopped at Starbucks for a quick coffee. Man did I strut around that place. Even though I’m a little heavier, I know I looked good, and I felt good. I passed a table of 5 or 6 really good looking guys and gave them the half-smile, one-second-too-long glace. Once I sat down I realized they all had bibles in front of them…oops!

So Christian and I get our order, and I drop him off at school still feeling pretty on top of the world. I got to work, and pulled down my mirror to re-apply my lip gloss. And oh my goodness! The mess that looked back at me was so scary! It looked like I had done my makeup in the dark! On both sides of my face I had somehow missed the “blending” step of applying foundation. I had the streakiest mess going on on my face. It wasn’t a subtle mistake. I am shocked people didn’t laugh at me in Starbucks! Where was the girl who glared at me when my skirt was broken and my flab was hanging out? Where was she when I needed her again?!?

21 with B May 8, 2008

So things with B are so funny. He has been so attentive these past few weeks. Last Wednesday night he came over after a concert he went to. Not a “booty call” because we don’t do that, remember? But just to spend the night. He knew I was having a hard week, so he came over to be with me.

Last night he came over after work, and we hung out for a bit. Then we went to dinner at the Chinese place we go to, then to a tiny old school movie theater to see the movie 21. The movie is based on the book, Bringing Down the House, by Ben Mezrich. The book was captivating! I read it in less than a week. I was very, very excited to see the movie.

Now I know when books get turned into screenplays a lot of sub-plots and storylines get changed. I get it. The movie was good, don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed it. The fact that they changed SO much was a disappointment though. If you have read the book and are going to see the movie, don’t go in trying to match things up. It doesn’t work like that. Even the main characters name is changed. I have no idea why they did that.

Anyhow…good date, good movie, good night. This whole B thing just cracks me up now!

So what? I like the smut! April 1, 2008

Not that smut. Well….thatsmut has it’s place. The smut I am referring to is of the celebrity variety. The gossip, the dish, the dirt. The celebrity smut.

 Since the beginning of the year I’ve been frequenting a specific dating website in an effort to wrangle a man into marrying me before I’m 80. Under the part of a man’s profile that asks what he is looking for in a woman, you would be surprised at how many list, “Must not be interested in gossiping about Britney and Lindsay!” WHAT?!? You’re not surprised by that?!? Well. I was. I love the smut. I really, truly do. I like trying to figure out which gossip is made up and which may be based on some sort of fact. I like the fact that it makes my life seem somewhat “normal”… and I use that word loosely. And I like the escapism it provides me. When I open up a new, juicy, smut filled magazine I am no longer a single, 28 year old mother who lives in a modest apartment in the suburbs and works a 9-5. I am a glitzy, young, beautiful celebrity with nothing better to do that show up to parties and get paid $100 grand to be there and to make out with Josh Duhmel. (Yes, I know he is dating Fergie. But this is my fantasy. I can make out with whoever I want!)

 Just because I love the smut, does not mean that I am an idiot. It does not mean that I have no idea what is going on in the real world, that I have screwed up priorities or that I cannot carry on an intelligent conversation. Because, Mr. High and Mighty, I can! And I can probably kick your ass at Jeopardy! too! Ha…so there!