Fa La La La La La La La La December 1, 2009

For lack of a better title.

I’ve had a difficult time lately coming up with blog topics. The inner journalist in me gets mad and beats me up when I write just little snippets of stories. My life is so busy these days that sitting down to write a proper blog doesn’t really happen.

I don’t feel I should write about how smitten, giddy, cartoon-hearts in my eyes in love I am, because I don’t want anyone reading this (if there is anyone) to throw up on their keyboards. And I did that throughout my last relationship and look how that turned out.

I don’t want to go on and on about how great my son is, and what an adorable, funny little man he is…because no one like “that” mom. Although, I do have to share this little diddy: He opened the door for me last week, and I commented to him, “your such a gentleman, I love that you open doors.” And he looked up at me with his big brown eyes and as serious as ever said, “And I love that you open your heart!”

Everything in my life is going really well right now, and I kind of don’t want to jinx it. But I’m not giving up on blogging. I just need to find my inspiration.

My Blog DOES Still Exist November 19, 2009

Wow, I thought I’d log in and just find tumbleweeds and cobwebs!

I have been incredibly busy lately, and its been fantastic! Some very amazing things are on the horizon, and I am kind of in shock with how amazing life is right now. I certainly haven’t found fame or fortune, but what I do have feels so much better than that. I am working my ass off, and taking responsbility for my life, and it feels SO GOOD! And so rewarding.

A few of the highlights:

* inspiringhappiness.com – it is the online magazine for single parents, and I am the managing editor. Check it out! Even if you aren’t a single parent you should check it out. Its a fun website, and has great content. A friend I’ve known since my school days (elementary or middle, can’t remember) has a design business in Portland and she wrote a great piece on unique and affordable ways to entertain during the holidays. Its a great article, with gorgeous photos! Really, if nothing else, look at the photos.

* Thanksgiving – I am hosting Thanksgiving this year! Me! Who just ruined Betty Crocker brownies last weekend! Lol I’m a little nervous, but both my mom and sister will be there to help out. They may just pour me a glass of wine and push me out of the kitchen…lol

* Christian – the kid never ceases to amaze me. We’ve had issues with homework, but now have a system in place and it really helps. He is so smart, but its hard to find the balance between pushing enough and pushing too much.

* Mr. Wonderful – he’s still really dang wonderful. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure this is real.

More details to follow….have to get to work!

Accepting Myself October 29, 2009

Do you ever have one of those days where your in awe of life? In a good way, I mean. I love them, and today is one of those days.

It is a very cloudy, very raining day here in Portland. But for some reason my spirits are soaring. Nothing extraordinarily great has happened, and there have been no fantastic surprises. I’m just incredibly happy on a type of day that could normally make me a little blah. My mood often reflects the weather (or vice versa) but today my sunny disposition is nowhere to be found by looking out the window.

There is a laundry list of things that are good in my life. I won’t gush over them, but am just appreciating how life makes an unexpected turn and a change you didn’t know you wanted becomes a change that you desperately needed. I’ve been very reflective lately, and have started accepting truths that I was afraid to accept previously.

It turns out that while accepting others and their differences is a good practice, learning to accept yourself and your world as-is is completely remarkable. My life is far from perfect, but it is pretty damn good. And I am okay with pretty damn good.

Random Friday Thoughts October 9, 2009

What’s this? Blogging three times in one week? Pure madness!

* One of my good friends is in labor right now! As we speak! Her and her husband are the kind of strong people who didn’t find out the sex of the baby. I had to know asap just because I couldn’t wait to shop! I am so happy for them, they are going to make wonderful parents!

* Last night I met Mr. Wonderful’s brother, who is in town for a few days. I had briefly met his sister at my house warming party, but didn’t get a chance to talk to her much then. We all met for dinner last night and had a blast. What funny people! (Funny haha, not funny as in odd!)

* Dating the real way is hard as a single parent. My last two relationships I’ve had moved very quickly, and C was brought into them way too early on. I’m trying to do things “the right way” this time, if there is such a thing. As far as C knows, Mr. Wonderful is just a friend. C has only met him a few times.

I get C back tonight for a week! While I am beyond excited to get my munchkin back, it was kind of bittersweet to have to say good bye to Mr. Wonderful knowing I won’t see him for a week. Of course my son is my priority, who no one out ranks, dating the real way is hard! Trying to balance my two worlds is difficult. I see why I gave in quickly before and let them become one. Can’t do that this time. Won’t do that this time. C is too old for that. So…I juggle. I do this the grown up way. I deal with the hard facts of life. I cannot always have what I want because its not the best for everyone involved. I think I’m finally becoming an adult!

* I’m not sure when it happened exactly, but sometime between spring and now I became completely allergic to the cold. Anytime the temperature drops below 70 (which is most of the time these days) I shiver. I pile on socks, sweat shirts, long pants, fleece jackets, scarves and blankets, and still I shiver. It is so uncomfortable that if I was child-free I would honestly up and move to a beautiful and tropical island.

I had no problem with the gazillion inches of snow we got last winter. I grew up on the coast where the wind was cold, and blew the cold rain on me. It wasn’t a problem. Anytime the thermostat hits 69 or lower now, I’m miserable. It looks like my aversion to coats will be coming to an end. Time to stock up! Maybe I’ll get a Snuggie to wear at work!

Enjoy your weekend, loves! I’ll be holed up in my house under 200 pounds of blanket!

Perfection: It’s Not Just A Game At Grandma’s House October 8, 2009

Did you guys play that game as a kid?!? I think they still make it. It was awesome. I would play that game for hours at my grandma’s house, trying to beat my last best time. That should have been a BIG! RED! FLAG! that I was in fact, wait for it… a perfectionist.

Unfortunately it has taken almsot 30 years (that is still not easy to see) to realize this little problem of mine. It took talking to a good friend (that I’ve known since 6th grade) about my son’s issues with perfectionism to realize that I may be the bad influence. I was discussing with my friend how angry and upset C gets when he messes up, and how its so hard for me to see and try to help him through. She replied, “At least we know where he gets it from!” I stared her down, slack-jawed for almost 60 seconds. “Are you kidding me, Brooke?!? Think about it! You have always been a perfectionist.”

And I stopped, and I thought about my life in one of those quick rewind moments they have in movies. And she was right. I am a perfectionist.

I always thought of myself as your classic “over-achiever” as a child and teenager. I’m sure this can be directly related to some sort of psychobabble about my parents, and I’m okay with that.

But perfectionist? I’m not perfect. Obviously! But I realized that day that there is nothing I hate more than screwing up. Actuallly there is…admitting that I have screwed up. I have no problem being wrong, but making a mistake makes me feel awful! People discovering I have made a mistake without me telling them is even worse. I could literally die.

I have NEVER preached perfection to my son. In absolutley no sense of the word do I expect, or want, him to be perfect. What fun would that be?!? But apparently actions speak louder than words.

In an attempt to start changing my behavior and mindset, I give you this post. I am Brooke, and I have screwed up my son!

Make Believe October 6, 2009

Once upon a time (two and a half months ago) , in a land far, far away (way west of Portland) I left my quaint farm one day and changed my life completely.

I had just gotten my job offer the day before I discovered something that made me leave my quaint farm, the farmer and everything else I had surrounded myself with for most of the previous year. It took me a few days to grow the balls to leave, but I did, and I haven’t looked back.

It wasn’t the one thing I discovered that led me to leave. That was just the last straw.

Now I’m back to a life I know and love. The scenery is different, but more conducive to who I really am. The farm life was not for me. I made the best of it while I was there, but now I’m in the city, where I belong. I’m gradually reconnecting with friends whom I had lost touch with, reconnecting with myself and my passions, and reconnecting with life. On the farm I was pretty out of touch with everything and everyone. I’m not blaming anyone other than myself. I take responsibility for my choices and my actions. I learned a lot and am a better person for it.

Life is pretty great these days. I love my job. Its challenging and some times pretty intense, but incredibly rewarding. Against all of my intentions to be the Single Girl in the City, I met a great man. A kind, self-less man who is quite unlike anyone I’ve ever met. We are taking things slow, which is new to me. I’ve always been a jump-in-head-first kind of girl when it comes to men. I’m learning that slow is good, getting to know one another before declaring your love is better, and self-respect is something that I have highly under-valued in the past.

So the transition from Farm Girl to Single Girl in the City hasn’t exactly gone as planned. But truth be told, I think my inner party girl has seen her better days. Spending quality time with my son and people who really mean something to me is far more appealing than paying too much for a drink I don’t need in a bar that I really don’t want to be at surrounded by people I don’t know. I enjoy my house, my son, my good friends and getting to know Mr. Wonderful more and more.

I don’t need to pretend I’m 21 still. I don’t need to pretend that it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to be around people who really don’t know me or like me. I know who I am, and I’m growing quite fond of myself. I’m almost 30, as scary as that is to see typed out. 20’s…you were fun. But now I’m done playing make believe and can start living my real life.

Fo’ Shizzle Nizzle September 11, 2009

One of the things that has always made me love raising my son in Portland is the diversity. I can count on one hand the number of non-caucasian kids that were in my graduating class on one hand. Thankfully I had a hippie for a mama who preached Love Everyone at every opportunity she got. So I do, and am so grateful for that.

Christian has friends of all ethnicities, backgrounds and cultures. And that makes my Hippie-On-The-Inside heart so happy. For the majority of his pre-school years he was the only caucasian boy at daycare. Between his dad and I, we expose him to a variety of people and lifestyles. He is what you would call very well rounded socially.

So when C and I were walking around our new neighborhood last weekend, and he said to me, “Mom! I think I saw Snoop Dogg back there!” after we passed a black gentleman who looked NOTHING like Snoop D-O-Double- G, I was floored! Shocked! In total disbelief that hed say this just because of the mans skin color. I mean he looked like Snoop in no way, shape or form! I reassured him that unfortunatley that was not Snoop Dogg, but yes, yes, that would be awesome if it was.

“And then Dr. Dre, and Flo Rider, and all of their other rapper friends could come visit Snoop, and we could go visit too!”

What an experience THAT would be! Lol as much as I’d love to meet me some Snoop, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want my 9 year old there. I wouldn’t be joining him in the green room, but I wouldn’t turn down a little Gin and Juice if it was offered!

Have I told you my Snoop joke? If I have, oh well, it will probably make you chuckle again. It makes laugh everytime I think of it!

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Anybody…anybody…?

Fo’ Drizzle!

Ahhh its good to laugh! Happy Friday, loves!

Only Good Days September 10, 2009

It is amazing what a few big changes can do to the rest of your life!

These days I am feeling amazing! I have a beautiful new home, a fantastic yet challenging job that makes me feel very proud of myself, and I’ve lost about 20 pounds! My body feels good, my mind feels good, and soul feels good. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt so great.

When you release the negative you have so much more room for positive opportunities. Sometimes it is hard to let go of the negative because that leaves an empty space to be filled with something unknown. And the unknown can be scary. But sometimes the unknown turns out to be wonderfully surprising!

If you are holding onto something negative in your life, I encourage you to examine what would happen if you let go of it. I am willing to bet that only good things would come of it!

Doing It Alone August 26, 2009

I’m always shocked when I learn that a single parent is doing it 100% on their own. Even more so when it is a single dad. I know that this happens so often in our society, but it never fails to make me slow down and think.

I was talking to a man last night who has full custody of his son. The mother is not involved at all. More common is the mother who is raising her child on their own, but the more involved I become with the single parent community, the more I realize how plentiful are the single dads out there doing it on their own.

Not all that long ago, it was a commonplace to associate the term “single parent” with divorced mothers who are struggling to make ends meet, frazzled and at their wits end. You didn’t often hear of single fathers who had joint custody of their children, let alone full custody. You even more rarely heard of single dads succeeding in life, being great fathers AND raising their kids alone.

All of you single dads out there, I want to say thank you. I know that loving and raising your children is something most of you never even thought twice about, and that warms my heart so much. You deserve to be told how awesome you are, because you truly are.

It’s moments like this that where I remind myself to say Thank You to my sons dad and that I appreciate him. So this morning I sent him a text message saying just that.

I just got word last night that there Modern Single Parent magazine is going to be interviewing a very awesome single dad for one of our first few issues! I am SO excited!!!

Living It Up! August 24, 2009

I am worshipping the last part of summer as much as I can. It seems to go so quickly here, and I’m desparate to hang onto it.

Christian and I escaped the city last weekend and went camping with a bunch of friends. It was amazing. He has become quite the little water lover.

It was amazing to turn off my phone and avoid the text messages and emails. To sit by the lake and enjoy the conversation of good friends and living in the moment. Of showing my son how to row a raft, then watching him do it on his own.

This was suppossed to be our last camping trip of the summer, but I’m thinking one more time is in order!

Dipping One Toe In August 17, 2009

If I ever mention moving in with a boyfriend again, will someone please shoot me? Or at least lock me up until I’ve thought things through thoroughly? That’s all I’m gonna say about that!

Last night I went on my first date since the break up. We went to see a movie, and because it was Sunday night at 10:30, we had the entire theater to oursleves until a few other couples showed up at the last minute. It was pretty awesome, like the whole theater had been reserved for us. Like on those reality dating shows. We were there super early so it gave us a lot of time to talk and get to know one another. Very cool guy. Very tall ( even in heels he’d tower over me!), incredibly sexy, and all together a super cool. He’s very different from a lot of men I’ve dated (he’s a vegetarian, he doesn’t drink) but that may be just the key! Lol

There is nothing quite like being embraced by man who is taller than you. There is something so sexy about being towered over. Do you other ladies feel this way? Maybe I just feel this way because its pretty unique for me to feel short! Definitely not something I’m used to.
Now I am not looking for a relationship. Hells no! And I’ve been very up front about that. I missed the freedom of being single so much. But I love hanging out with guys. They are fun! And if they just happen to be sexy and funny, who am I to say no to an occassional date?

There was going to have to be an AfterBreakUpFirstDate at some point. I decided to just do it. And I’m so glad I did. Even though I’m very tired this morning, it was worth it.

Moving To The City! August 13, 2009

I found a house!!!!

Well, technically I did nothing of the sort. I didn’t find it at all. My dear friend Leann told me her in-laws had an empty rental. It is in North Portland in a great up and coming neighborhood. A lot of transformations are taking place. It is beautiful 1907 (I think) 4 bedroom house. The owners have done a ton of restoration and work on it, and it is simply breathtaking when you walk through the front door. The outside is a bit decieving. But when you walk through the front door, it’s all high ceilings, built in’s, a large foyer…grandness.

It has something none of the homes I’ve lived in as an adult have had…character. Between the dining room and the kitchen there is this little nook that seems odd at first, but then you realize you could put an oversized chair and reading lamp there, or a desk for the kids. There are built in shelves and storage. A plate rail in the dining room. Super cool stuff like that, stuff that new houses just don’t have.

C and I certainly don’t need 4 bedrooms to ourselves, so my first Portland friend will be moving in too! He’s a single dad, and has been commuting like 45 miles to get to work in Portland! Ack!

So…the neighbor hood. I’d never been there before last night, and I am already in love. There are super cute coffee shops, restaurants, shops, brewerys, and specialty markets. We are right across the street from a gorgeous park that has everything any child or adult could ever want from a park. Down the block is a butcher…A BUTCHER!!! Am I the only small town girl that has never once been to a butcher? Do you know how excited I am to be able to walk down to the local butcher and get some fresh meat for dinner that very night? It’s like I’m moving to Heaven!!!

We move in the last weekend of August! I absolutley cannot wait! Being Farmer Brooke was fun for a while, but in my heart of hearts their is a city skyline flanked by little martini glasses. I can still have a garden if I so choose. I think that will wait until next year though. I’m going to be very busy reconnecting with the city for a while. I have missed it so much!

Girls Like Sweet Skills August 3, 2009

But this girl has got sweet skills! Yesterday I was at my friend Liz’s house and we built a fence! I would love to lead you to believe that it was a large, yard containing fence but it wasn’t. It is about 2 1/2 feet tall and we built it to hide her recycling bins in the backyard. We had seen something similar in a magazine last summer, and then built one yesterday.

I was in charge of arranging the fence posts appropriately, then I used a staple gun to staple them in place. It was so super fun! I love creating. And it makes such a pretty addition to her already beautiful backyard!

I’ll try to attach a picture, but I don’t know if it will work since I’m on my Blackberry. If not, I’ll post it from my laptop tonight!

Now This Is Different July 31, 2009

In the past I had a very specific M.O. after a breakup. I’d go out every night for a week, drink myself into an oblivion and hook up with the hottest man I found. I thought the best way to get over one man was to get on top of another.

Man have I changed! Reverting back to my old behavior crossed my mind momentarily on Monday, but then I decided I was worth more than that. None of those seemed like healthy things to do to myself. Instead I’ve been trying really hard to impress at my new job, spending time with people who love me, and trying to live my life in accordance with my Priority List.

I feel so much better! I’m not hung over and miserable. I’m optimistic and getting more and more healthy every day! I feel good about the choices I am making in my life. I’m clear headed and it feels great!

The End July 29, 2009

Sushi Boy and I broke up.

I’m not going to dish the dirt, because even though I’ve blogged throughout our relationship about our relationship, there are somethings that just don’t need to be broadcasted for the world to know.

I will say that I did things he wasn’t cool with, and he did things I wasn’t cool with. We didn’t just fall out of love. That would have been far more simple.

So, we are moving on. I won’t say that I regret our relationship. I’ve never loved a man more than I love(d) him (I’m trying to be strong.) I learned a lot, and I loved a lot. We did have some wonderful times, a lot of them. I hate that things couldn’t be different and that things can’t be taken back. But sometimes that’s just the way life goes, and you have to deal with the consequences.

I hate that our boys are going through this too. I hope that somehow our boys are able to remain friends because that would just be shitty if we weren’t able to figure that out.

Sushi Boy…thank you for what we had. I know things weren’t perfect, but man did we have some good times. I genuinely hope that you have a wonderful life. Thank you for what you taught me, for what you gave me, and for all that you shared with me. Although I’m usually good with words, I just can’t find the right ones right now. I believe you know what I am feeling right now. You have to, you know me so well.

Priorities July 27, 2009

I’ve realized that in order to shape my own destiny, and to create the life that I want for myself and my family I need to have priorities. Of course I have always had things in my life that were priorities at the time, everyone does. But I have never stopped and thought about what overall in my life, the big picture, my priorities are.

I made a list of my Top Ten Priorities. I will keep this list in the forefront of my mind when making decisions from now on. I have been just reacting to life, and not creating my life. I’m not going to live that way anymore. If this is my only ride on this planet, I want to make the most of it. Time to make the most of it.

Take a break today and think of your top
priorities. Does your life reflect that? Mine didn’t, but that is changing!

Thank You July 23, 2009

I have th most wonderful friends! Thank you to all of you who reached out and checked up on me after my last post. I didn’t intend on worrying people. I am okay. Okay, but very touched and very lucky to have such wonderful people in my life. I love you all!

My last post was not just about one thing, but a multitude of things. There are many aspects of my life that could use some restructuring, a little more care and a lot more respect.

I’m working on it.

I’ve always been kind of a hippie at heart, and believed that things happen for a reason and everything will work itself out. Well…that hasn’t got me very far. I’m starting to jump the fence. Maybe we do create our own destinies and successes. So I’m taking responsibility for my life and my future. I’m taking control of it.

Let’s hope I don’t mess it up even more!

Picking Up The Pieces July 21, 2009

I’ve done it all wrong and I’m starting over. Everything, with the exception of my son. I think he’s the one thing I’ve gotten right so far.

I wish I could just wipe the slate clean and start over from scratch, but we all know that’s not the way life works. You have to pick up the pieces before you can walk on the ground.

Today I start picking up the pieces. Things are going to be different. Things are going to be better. Sometimes the change that you fight the most is the one that will benefit you the most.

Working 9 To 5 July 20, 2009

Sooo…I got a job! Yay! I’m very excited to be working a “regular” job again. I am still working for Single Parent magazine. Sushi Boy and I have been getting by, but I don’t want to just get by. I want to be able to provide our family with those fun little extras, that unfortunately take money.

I am on the train on my way to my first day at my new job. I am the new Operations Assistant for the corporate office of a company that owns and operates assisted living facilities throughout the west. I haven’t found a way to shorten that job description yet… It turns out one of the VP’s that I will be working with ran in the same dance team circles as I did about 10 years ago. (Okay…it may be a bit longer than 10 years, but not by much! ) She taught at the dance camp our team went to, and I actually worked at one summer. So that is a fun little coincidence.

I’m sad that my summer home with Christian only lasted a month, but its better than nothing at all. And he is excited to get back to Pari’s, the amazing woman who has been watching him since he was 2.5 months old. He has so missed her these past 7 months.

I am excited to work outside of my home again, meet new people and learn new things. This is an industry I have a ton to learn about, and am very excited. I plan on taking mass transit most days, so the days will be long. But it will be worth it. My new office is just south of downtown Portland, so I get to enjoy the hustle of city life.

Goodbye aspirations of being a domestic goddess! It was fun pretending! We both know I’m much more Working Girl than Domestic Diva. Let’s hope the garden survives!

My Love/Hate Relationship With Public Transit July 14, 2009

I am currently on a public transit bus on my way to an interview. Now while it would have been light years faster to drive into town for my interview, I’ve been trying to do my part to be more earth conscious. While I work from home and most of the time have no set schedule, I’ve been riding the bus and the light rail more. I feel better about myself and my choices. And its relaxing. I’d so much rather get up an hour and a half earlier in the morning than sit stressed out in traffic for an hour before my interview. Plus I love to people watch, and public transit makes for some damn funny stories.

This morning for instance, there are 3 men sitting behind me. They were all dressed jeans and sweat shirts that fit them decently. They all appeared to be showered and shaved, no ripe odors coming from them. You could easily imagine them dressed in suits and ties, in a corner office. Until they opened their mouths. Not only did they overload their conversations with the F-Bomb, they had no idea what was publicly acceptable conversation. I mean I could have really made it to my destination peacefully without knowing 2 out of 3 of them were on their way to court, that they all thought the Clackamas County Judicial system was more strict than Washington County, and that one of them was probably looking at 30 days because of “just a warrant.” Just a warrant…that’s how I always refer to it!

Then there are the people who insist on calling up everyone they’ve ever known while on a bus to discuss their asshole ex-husbands, their ungrateful bosses and miserable children. That’s how I like to start off my day…wallowing in the horridness of my life. Good times!

I do love the bus though. I like chilling out, drinking my coffee and letting someone else deal with the massive traffic nightmare on Highway 26.